It’s 4 years Later. Hi. I’m Bipolar.

Hi. I’m Skylar. I’m bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2012. I wrote a book. No one takes me seriously because of my mental illness. I finished my book in 2017. I shared it with 7 people, including family members. No one read it except one friend. She read 50 pages. She told me I needed to rewrite it. She said that every author has to do a rewrite. I haven’t touched my book for four years, how could I just open it and start rewriting it? Sure I had read through it like 3 times. Front to back and back to front. Sounded fine. It was my Opus. Then, one night while I was making play lists for a friend that was unpacking I felt inspired. YES! I could do this! I could download the Google document onto my laptop and start the rewrite. So I did. As I got into it my bipolar symptoms began to show themselves through my medication. I am highly medicated. My friend had a talk with me. She said to me, ” You seem a little manic.” I responded. “I really get into my writing. I am slightly elevated.” “Maybe you need a medication adjustment?” She explained. She was probably right. “What you don’t want is to go to the hospital,” she stated. Ain’t that the truth, I thought in fear of my husband’s response. When she talked to him, he agreed to make me an appointment after some argument. You see, no one let’s the bipolar one speak for herself because she’s “ill”. I have an appointment for a medication adjustment on January 5th. Until then, I have to mind my P’s and Q’s.

The fear of the hospital hangs over my head Everytime I want to open my laptop. I have rewritten part 1. My husband let me do that. I stopped at part 2. I am confused. I am writing the truth guised in a wild imagination. The characters are based on real people in my life. People who touched my heart and soul. People I never had the chance to say goodbye to. I made up a world where they could have an adventure and get to know one another. I need to let go of a life I used to have. I have to put this book to bed but when I said to my husband that to do this rewrite I would need to be on my laptop everyday he threatened to put on his shoes and take me to the hospital.

So…here I am waiting for my medication adjustment. I am leaning on my best friend too much and my other best friend just wants me to remain calm and not get too elevated. The project excited me. It’s fun. I am having the time of my life! It took me five years to write it. It’s all handwritten. Then I put it together and typed it up. With the rewrite it’s so much smoother. It’s still really difficult. I have to out the laptop down sometimes. I pulled two all nighters to finish rewriting part 1. That’s 125 pages. I just want to have the same freedoms anyone else would to be able to open up my laptop when I need to. For example today; I wasn’t going to pull an all nighter, I just needed to add the word “flux” near the word “dimensions” I think dimensions might be overkill. Even I say enough already to this change.

Sometimes I just want to open my laptop to type up some notes in the sticky notes application. Or watch a movie that the television won’t bring up. Or I just find the personal computer to be a comfort in my arms after all this time. I quit my job. I write at night. My son is being taken care of. Breakfast, lunch and dinner are made and the dishes are done. There’s even a beer and a cigarette in my husband’s hand. What’s the problem?

Please don’t judge me. I love me.

I am “WordPressed”

i included my last chapter on here but honestly I hate it. I am “WordPressed.” All I am trying to accomplish is to get the tinkerer to Captain the boat that is carrying the words out of the Eastern City. The tinkerer wants to take the boat down and kill the words. He fears that if they live, Skyler will continue to run through the books and our reality will never be true it will always be someone else’s writing. He can’t distinguish fiction from reality and has finally lost his mind.

I was “WordPressed”

okay. um. wait. yo. alright. and lastly word.

The Mueller Report: Another Chapter from my book. A Deceptive Clarity: Where does Green Fit?

A Deceptive Clarity: Where does Green fit?

Within some of the factions consisting mainly of “free thinkers” or rather hippies, it is easy to spot the present social dilemmas and coercion tactics. Skylar is aware that Memphis is the type of person that needs clarification on everything, therefore she should also mention that within other hippie factions all he or anyone will find are misconceptions and a waste of time. It’s a new world and everyone is being colored. These three dollar bills are all starting to look green.

“So, there you go Holly,” Skylar says. Memphis and I are aware. I wasn’t for a little while. It has taken some time, but as I have been sorting all this out, I have found clarity in the entire situation. She had no clue how, or that her music choices had aided in others people’s fortunes at the time. Headphones can be a tricky thing; she says to Memphis. Do you think Holly was waiting for me to tell her that? she asks him. Or have you enlightened her into some of the clean-up’s that you have been through? “Times change and things change,” he told her.

Skylar never knew that Holly knew more about her than she did herself. Skylar never noticed the narcissism out west. She was happy living alone. She was working things out. Here in the Eastern City, she is trying to move on. This would be much smoother if Skylar didn’t always feel the tug-of-war existing within all these different factions of hippies. For all your music seeking stalkers, this is Skylar, she says. I won’t get caught in the net of any of you eager ‘hippies’ trying to weasel your way. I have worked hard and can’t afford to be a pawn in another’s game. Damn weasels and badgers is all she has to say at this point. Memphis shrugs. He didn’t know about the music Skylar found mysteriously downloaded onto her PC. That’s personal computer, not politically correct. Have I gotten to the land of Orange versus Purple yet? Well, if not, I will.

I can no longer serve as a horse to anyone! Especially not to you Holly. Extrasensory perception (ESP), Safe Zone, Apocalypse, Five Horseman…am I leaving anything out Memphis? She can’t fathom how many factions there are in the city as well as the surrounding areas of the City to the East. Yup. Hippie factions. All those three-dollar bills getting mucked up with radicals and oddballs. Not to mention the unorthodox and Avant Garde, queer ducks, mavericks, and free thinkers.

Do they overlap one another? Are they considerate when it comes to boundaries? Do they care if they cross the line with someone who has boundaries? Does it matter? Skylar has boundaries. And you guys all need to respect that. Memphis couldn’t agree more: coercion and social dilemmas. More like overload. “Got it?” Skylar says. “Personal Privacy and harm to ongoing matters.” My music is ongoing. They invaded my personal privacy adding music to my personal computer, thought Skylar. She knows that Memphis would just huff and say it was merely conjecture. Conjecture my ass! Skylar wanted to scream. “Harm to ongoing matters.” It was all in the Mueller Report. Personal privacy. Secretly Skylar felt used. She was also very curious about the outside world of Orange versus Purple. Not just this underground bunker of a war they have at their feet now. (She has taken good care of all the music).

 Damn that dentist. Damn that Liam I don’t know. No one likes to be put in a cage.  Ya’ can’t bribe me into your way of life, Skylar continues. No matter what leverage you think you may have. Some of us have adapted and progressed without your methods. Memphis thinks that it’s just possible Skylar may have people in “low” places as well. Apparently, there are some still unfamiliar with how Phillip fits into all of this. Tunnels. Probably so Skylar thinks to herself.

Illustration Two: Transport Cage: Compliments of Purple

My Last Chapter. I will always wonder where my Macbook Pro went. Off to the Reds. Off to the “Sky.” This is MemphisSky: A Monkey Puzzle.

Franklin’s Tower was full of ‘dew.’

“Dew this and Dew that!” How does someone get stuck in the middle of a Monkey Puzzle? “Using nouns,” Skylar laughed thinking back to the sign when she landed in Franklin’s Tower. “Looking for some vibes to score.” What was Dave thinking. Why nouns instead of the normal verb “to do.” For Skylar, she accidently or rather unknowingly changed lanes during a waterfall. When? Well she was with a man. One of her many past lives. He would have scoffed at the sign and then pushed her to perform some more scholarly examples.  “Blasphemy!” shout yo, word, um and alright.  “Those damn 4 words are always wanting a definitive answer. They think that having a clear and concise answer is the solution. “Well,” Skylar lets on, “I never set out to find the answer to anything. I set out blindly on a path of progression. A path of perseverance. “I am still alive after all that has happened,” she concludes. “It’s about time I take charge of my own life. It was just a man,” she concedes to the small swarm of gentlemen. Just a man. And she shakes her head.

“As for the people we surround ourselves with,” she says turning towards her estranged husband, “It’s about time you learned how to differentiate honesty, loyalty and trust. You speak of conjecture but you forget this story relies on conviction. You lean Orange and I lean Purple and that’s the damn truth! This Monkey Puzzle is a bit conjecture. Birds. Two. One a drummer. He never drummed. He just brought me a movie and gave me a roof. The other bird I think is our traveling Relic.[1] Take it easy Memphis. I knew you thought you were a Bird. I don’t know what you are. Maybe as I revisit your world of Orange I will sort out your convictions. 

There were too many vessels running.  It was a boated massacre, seven at every helm. Animals were on their feet.  It was only a matter of time before the ground floor started running. They do say that blood is thicker than water. “Duck, Duck, Goose,” she ponders. She would like to think that Miles is somewhere smiling. Ghosts and empties, if you’re a reader.  Or if you prefer the music, personal privacy and harm to ongoing matter. “That’s what you get when you push Orange into cursive Memphis,” bleats Skylar like a goat. “Purple is more my speed.” It lets me run an impartial race. I had no clue so many animals would be racing towards the same boat. The end.

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[1] The Eagles. The Very Best. Take it Easy.

Using the word “said”

using the word “said” really flows in some conversations but others not. Example : “I don’t really miss you. I just said it because you said it first.”

“Punch you in the Eye”

I’m ambidextrous- throw with my right and write with my left. Found my soul awhile back, it must have been what I was searching for. Lost my head last fall, thought it best to remind myself that my hands are still strong and so is my heart.

 

 

Music Troubles

Can’t get to my external storage! What the hell? Only 314 songs showing up? Why so? How so? I will have to fix this.  And trust me my laptop is never even on. Christ people I just got it BACK from the pawn shop. Yup. That’s how it used to roll around here. But I am employed now going on two months. I am blessed.

Books Finished

I finished ” Three Came Home” by Agnes Newton Keith.  About Japanese internment camps in Borneo during WWII leading up to the atomic bomb.

Now I am starting “My Name is Asher Lev” by Chaim Potok. It’s a Simon and Schuster book published back in 1972.  There has been mention of WWII.

I also started a Ron L. Hubbard, ” Death Quest” but it’s too much for me right now. Since I started it, I will finish it, but I want to read the “Asher” book first.

“Notes” on stolen goods

I have therapy next week and mentioned awhile ago on a previous post about something stolen. I have apologized to that person and plan on discussing it next week in therapy.

Mostly though, I think I made the last post in frustration for all the things that I have seen go missing from me and for all those around me that I have known to be the unfortunate – those whom are succumbed to stealing.

P S.  There was also a drunken snafoo one night that still confuses me and I am left with a trinket I am unsure of whether I paid full price for. Was it a two for one? Was it a drunken pocket slide? Whatever it it is – bad vibes all over it. It has been set aside.

As I previously mentioned, I no longer go out. I am not the same person I was before . I am growing. I am healing.  Everyday. Everyday.  What more can I do, right? All I want to see is progress.  A little each day for myself and for my son . For our family.

And I can tell you one thing, I don’t want to turn around and see something missing or misplaced day after day after day . It was like that for a bit. And I doubt it was due to me pocketing a few …years before the years now. Meaning the stolens goods and the apology people not the drunken trinket. Please note that was literally folks. Literally, my hand was on the item I wasn’t “willing” it through the “atmosphere”- if you please. So, until therapy next week, have a good one!

M-Files

I was just a child. I suppose it was me .yeah .yo. We ran through it .the dictionary that is .A rosebud .seriously that’s what the card had on it .Placed right under M. I’d rather not re visit it. I’d rather just remind myself that I am alive and safe and healthy everyday . Oh “YOU” know

The last thing I want to do is start another run through another dictionary from another publisher. No offense ya’ll but I think it’s best I leave proper names out of my blog.

To revisit what I was allowed as a child? How was I to know? And in reality what a message life takes sometimes I rarely noticed most days.

Yup .safe for the most part . Healthy, in therapy and very argumentative. Probably unrelated knowing me .

Hmm….leads “us” back to “I”. What a crazy “loop” huh? Look it up. I found it. It’s in a book and it’s about time we move along before we all start moving around in circles like I found myself doing just about four years ago.